Poor Unfortunate Souls
by Ascoeur
Summary: As the carnival is taking place, Nagi has an important message to deliver to the HiMEs... which may scar them for life... CrackFic


You guys should probably be familiar with the "Poor, Unfortunate Souls" song from the Jo Bros/Little Mermaid. If you know the beat, it should be easy to follow. It's funnier if you actually play the song while reading the lyrics ;3. I hope ya like?

* * *

The carnival was taking place.

The sick, twisted, and sadistic event that occurred every several years was repeating itself once again. The dozen pack of this era's newly chosen, pure, hot-blooded virgins—err, I mean—HiME were wallowing in their respective grief, anguish, and desolation.

There was no action going on. It was more like a rip-off of a teenage drama playing out in a soap opera. Needless to say, the Obsidian lord was not happy, and if the Obsidian lord was not happy, Nagi got hell, and if Nagi got hell, the HiME got shit, and if the HiME got shit, they took it out on each other.

And that was just what the devious, archaic boy of the ivory-colored hair was aiming for.

He sat before one of the monitors that displayed in a different panel each of the HiMEs' misadventures.

It was time he relayed a message to them.

XXXXXXXXXXX

"_I'm a Barbie Girl_

_In a Barbie world~_

_ Made out of plastic_

_So fantastic—!"_

"Gawd, I need to change that ringtone!" an annoyed Nao said, rising from her spider web, swing bed.

It was the sentimental memory of her mother that forced her to keep it up until now. Her mother found the most ridiculous songs adorable.

She flipped her phone open.

_**You've got a tweet**_

The red-head's eyebrow arched. "Hmm… a video message?"

XXXXXXXXXXX

A meek, young lady with mousy hair and a grim expression sat in front of her laptop at the dark student council room.

Her eyes flickered with a sign of life when a message appeared before her on the screen.

**Nagi has added you as a friend on Facebook. **

Her eyes darkened once again.

But then she saw that the invite came along with a message.

"A video…?

XXXXXXXXXXXX

A girl with the looks of a doll lifelessly sauntered down the First District, naginata tightly in hand. Suddenly, a pillar with a giant screen switched on. She turned to regard it with a sick smirk on her features.

"Ara…?"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

An orange-haired girl and a blue-haired girl gazed at the television screen somberly. They had spent most of the day together, somehow knowing that it would be their last.

The news report was abruptly interrupted and automatically changed to another channel.

Natsuki and Mai wordlessly exchanged alarmed glances and instantly returned their attention to the screen.

"Welcome to Happy Weather Time with your host: Rosita Flores-"

The interrupting transmission got interrupted by another interrupting transmission.

Everywhere, all the HiME's were being delivered the same disturbing motion picture...

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Hello, my dear princesses, I'm sure most of you are viewing this now. For those of you who've already lost your cause for battling, you shouldn't concern yourself over this. But you may watch. For those of you who still remain: congratulations! I'm here to deliver an important message…"

He jumped on the table and broke into song.

**I'll admit that I know most of you don't like me**

**But hear my out I've got something to say**

**Well, I find it nowadays**

**The battle's grown intense **

**And most of you are hiding from the rest**

**Though fortunately I've got words of motivation**

**Which'll make your sorry asses join the fight**

**It's a tip, a short advice**

**Directed at you gals,**

**Who're miserable, and lonely, and depressed! **

**Life sucks, huh?**

**You poor, unfortunate souls!**

**In pain… **

**In need…**

**You're all wanting this to finish**

**Mostly want to save your love**

**And do I help you?**

**Sure, for fun! **

**You poor, unfortunate souls!**

**So sad…**

**So true…**

**You say you're against this violence**

**Suck it up, and grow some balls!**

**But will I help you?**

**Nah, I'll just watch!**

**My lord asks for one of your hands in marriage**

**And this battle's got your love's life on the line**

**It is she who kills your child and keeps her own by all the time**

**That is allowed to keep them both and recreate life! **

**The other chicks out there are bound to find you**

**They all have their eyes on the ultimate prize**

**Killing do you think they mind?**

**Your most important one?**

**They've got their own sweetie to worry about!**

**You poor, unfortunate souls! **

**Go ahead, fight them off! **

**The obsidian lord is waiting and you're boring me to hell! **

**What's the hold up? Kill them all!**

**You poor, unfortunate souls!**

**So sad…**

**So true…**

**If you want to win the throne, hun**

**If you want to save your love**

**Shoot your foes**

**Slash them cut**

**Go ahead, all is fair **

**Reito, my lord, are you listening? **

**I've got them at my expense!**

**You poor, unfortunate souls!**

**In pain…**

**In need…**

**Some of you want to be braver**

**Others want to run away**

**But it's useless!**

**So just obey!**

**You poor, unfortunate souls!**

**So sad…**

**So true…**

**Your doom is drawing nearer **

**And you can no longer escape**

**Will I help you?**

**I've done enough!**

**Your poor, unfortunate souls! **

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"…"

"…."

"WHAT THE ø(º∆º)ø WAS THAT! ? ! ?" Natsuki barked out, pointing at the now dark screen.

"Comical relief?" Mai suggested uneasily.

"Dammit, Mai, we don't have time for this crap," Natsuki said seriously, rising from the floor abruptly. _I need to tell Shizuru I'm gay for her, too! _

Mai nodded with equal graveness. _I've got to tell Mikoto I'm not a lolicon and, moreover, I'm straight. _

The two ran out of the dormitories in a haste.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Yukino stared blankly at her laptop.

**You've got a virus**

Her glasses fell off.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The girl of the chestnut locks smiled bitterly at the fallen pillar, which she had destroyed halfway into the song.

"Ara… someone's got a lot of time on their hands…"

She continued her graceful walk down the district.

"Natsuki… oh, Natsuki…. Where are you~?"

Her voice echoed... in a creepy kind of way.

XXXXXXXXXXX

"Well, you can tell he's on the pill."

Nao flipped her phone closed and crushed it.

"Okay, now, so where's that bitch Natsuki?"

And, she, too, set out to find her target.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Akira's eye twitched.

"Three minutes of my life… wasted…"

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Ahn lu fell to her knees and prayed a question to the Heavens.

"Dear Lord, am I being punished?"

†

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Miyu Greer sat by her old master's grave, holding her iphone with a trembling hand.

"I apologize... I... have defiled your resting place."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Midori shook her head.

"EPIC FAIL!"

And she drowned herself in another bottle of beer before passing out.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Akane hugged her knees in the confines of her room.

"Kazu-kun… I… at the least I'm glad you didn't live to watch that…" she sniffled out.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Shiho sat by the trunk of a tree, clothed in white. A blank look on her face.

"Was that... another form of torture…?"

XXXXXXXXXX

A rather satisfied Nagi sat on his stool and gauged the reactions of each of the HiMEs. Well, they weren't really what he was expecting, but at least the message had its impact! Now they were sure to make the Carnival more interesting.

"Did you see that, My lord?" Nagi questioned smugly, turning to Reito.

The Obsidian Lord hung his head and beckoned for Mikoto to come closer.

"Yes, Ani-ue?" Mikoto said, immediately appearing at his side.

"What did you think of the video message song?" he asked.

Mikoto turned and stared intensely at Nagi. "If it was edible, I would have gotten food poisoning, tried to hold it down, gotten gastritis, and puked it out."

"And there you have it," said Reito with a charming smile.

* * *

Well, I was just going to put the song, but I figured that alone would have been boring :p, so I made a short re-telling. We all know this never happened xD. I just thought that song fit Nagi well... well, it fit Rumplestilskin better than Nagi, but I don't write fanfiction for Shrek, so Mai-Hime it was!

Hmm, what should be next? Shizuru's Bad Romance or Natsuki's Tainted Love?

Lol, JK, no. I won't torture you anymore with corny songs ha ha. Thanks for reading!


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